New York is Delicious!

Yes, you heard me right! It's delicious, just like the big red apple that is their promotional centerpiece! I'm here, I'm back (god only knows how many times I've been) and I'm loving it. I'm here for business, but my absolute best friend in the world lives here, as well as a couple of "good buddies", so that makes me extremely happy! That being said, the icing on the cake is that if you like man candy, this is the place to be. What an assortment; I just landed a few hours ago and I've seen just about every ethnic background of them that there is. Tall men, short men, cute boys, handsome men, unattractive men, men with gold chains, white socks and sneakers even. God....you'd think that's all I have on my mind wouldn't you.

Well in some sense, men are on my mind, and have been for a couple of months. I ride the wave, in and out, dating and not, but always come back to wanting an attachment with one in this life and appreciating these men of the world in some way or another. My favorite authors, mostly men, my favorite artists, mostly men, my favorite lovers, well........come on people, don't get crazy!

My problem lies in what kind of man is a good, solid match for me. You heard me right, I didn't say "perfect" because I have figured one thing out in the 46 years I've been in this crazy world...there is no such thing as a perfect match for me or anyone else. Why do I say this, well, I've tried them all; All American "white" guy, fireman....he was great for a while, but he couldn't relate to my ethnic side so that didn't last, (plus he couldn't dance at all). Middle Eastern man from Azerbijian...that was a huge mistake...he faked it for a while and then once he "hooked" me...well, he became a Middle Eastern man. Let's see now, prior to him there was my "ex-boyfriend" who now lives in Spain that I spoke of in a prior post. He was from Sri Lanka, and had the most beautiful eyelashes....he also was so condescending to waitstaff that it drove me insane. I dated another man who in actuality is my male twin; he lived in Australia and for some reason we both thought that it could work! He was deep thinking, crazy fun, sarcastic like no other, brilliant and he had the most kissable lips. We still communicate after 15 years! Imagine that! The problem? Well, hello... he lived in Sydney...

I mentioned my best friend who lives in NY earlier and there is a reason for that. She has insight into my soul that I will never be able to have. This started when I met her and lived in Key West. Yes I was single, hadn't had a boyfriend in a year or so and low and behold, I meet a man around the same time I meet this woman of depth, insight, intelligence and anger! Ya, she seemed pretty pissed off about something, but I never new what and frankly it didn't matter. I loved the conversations we had, she was so well read, ...that was intriguing in itself. The problem is...this woman won't give me any slack! Never has and never will. That's a good thing I think. She makes me think about my choices and boy is she right.

Example: Boat Boy....Craig. He was so cute, tall, built like a swimmer, sweet as a kiss of chocolate and loved the water. He dove the Atocha for Emeralds...he loved history (one of my favorite subjects). The problem....well Ms. Daly would say, "he makes stupid choices, he's ridiculous at times and he has no common sense", and she was right. Why do I waste two years of my life with men that my friend can so easily see are incompatible with me? Jeez, I don't know, but I do know that Ms. Daly is my woman, she can see past my quick bits of lust, my infatuation with a part of a man and has no problem telling me I'm wasting my time. God I wish she lived in San Francisco....she'd save me a lot of leg work!!

I haven't seen my friend, my compadre, my "insight" into my soul in a number of months....but I'm here now! I'll have my Ms. Daly time and feel so much better for it. Will she find me a match, no I don't think so. In fact, she's never even "fixed" me up on a date! However, she'll listen to me, help me to clear my head and send me home with a new found excitement about the search!

I love you Meegan!!

Confusion in Dating

Yes, that's right, I'm confused or at least the last 48 hours of my life I've been confused. These last couple of days have really been hard on me...not a great emotional time for this 46 year old woman. Why, well there are a number of reasons, but mainly it's because I still don't understand a thing about men, about dating; I second guess myself, my opinion of some of the men I've been seeing and at last count, the advise I'm giving to my daughter on her tribulations with her boyfriend.......remember how you felt in High School? Bingo!

Why you ask? Well it's because I've figured out that I don't date well. Dating is hard, at least for me. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's easy in some sense and can add fodder to your blog or your conversations with friends when that first date doesn't go well. But once you get past the first date and you've developed an interest, well that's when it all goes haywire. For me it seems that dating more than one person at a time doesn't work...I can't start to develop communication, attraction, or anything else with one person and then "grab a bite" with someone else. It seems my interest stays with one person at a time. The problem with this is that if and/or when the person you're concentrating on goes south, where does it leave you? You've passed on other opportunities, said, "thank you but I'm pursuing something elsewhere" and then, nothing. You're back to ground zero and may have lost a great chance at someone who was really, honestly interested in you.

This relates to my last post in a couple of ways...maybe I shouldn't date, I'm happy, successful, have great friends, etc. Do I need to add angst, insecurity or sadness to my day. I've been quite happy over the last 7 years. Yes I've dated, but I've always had in the back of my mind that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything with any of the men I was seeing; so no emotional turmoil. I've had male friends who've been there for the male perspective on life, the occasional romantic evening, etc. I was good, I was level headed, I was happy. So why would I suddenly decide, "It's time for love in my life"? I know I want love, desire someones company and that I deserve it. It just seems that with my first foray into the search, I haven't found what I expected. I had forgotten that people don't always go at the same pace as you. That they don't always follow through with what they say and especially that this can disappoint you.

So where does that leave me? According to one of my male friends, I should go back to not dating for love but date for sex....with him specifically...lol. Joking aside, he repeatedly said, don't give up, "some of us are looking for the same thing you are"....I just need to find those men. Okay, great I said with my happy voice, please tell me how to do that? How do I know those men from the others? How do I tell when someone is being sincere? When they are truly interested? I swear I thought I had that one down....but apparently my "sincerity" meter has gone array. I obviously need a repair man! Someone get me the Yellow Pages quick!

One last thought....maybe it's music's fault. Maybe it's my choice in music these days. Maybe I should stop listening to Al Green, Chaka Khan and Michael Franks! I know I should definitely stop paying attention to the words. Hmmmm...didn't Al Greens wife throw hot grits on his face after finding out that he was fooling around.........

A Weekend Without

Well, here it is, Sunday night, 9:45pm and I'm still without "a love" in my life. I say, "a love" because I have much love coming to me in all forms except one. My daughter came home this evening, having been gone for a month, tons of love there. I had dinner at a longtime friend's (ex fiance' actually) this evening and spent the entire evening wondering "what in the world was I thinking" meaning, what a fantastic man, he loved me (still does) but definitely not a match for me. I have spent hours on the phone with one friend or another over this weekend...lots of love there! But the remaining part of the weekend I spent working...which seems to be the theme lately. I've devoted too much time to work and not enough to my personal life...

The last week I've spent thinking about love in all of it's forms...but especially the one that I am searching for. I honestly feel like I have settled on numerous occasions in my life because I so desperately wanted someone in my life. How strange is that for me to say...I find myself to be a very independent person, someone who others look up to and yet here I am looking for someone else. Am I happy the majority of time being alone? YES! Are there days when I wish beyond all that I could be coming home to someone who cares about me beyond themselves...YES! Am I in a melancholy mood? YES! Does this happen on occasion? YES?

Anyway, having been on two dates in the last two weeks has definitely got me thinking. What am I really looking for in a man. I mean really, have I spent any time at all pondering this or have I just went with my "gut", my intuition, my needs. Does any woman really know? Am I at 46 prepared to "share" my life with someone else? Or am I truly so set in my ways that it would be an impossibility to make such a request of someone....to follow my path, to blend their life with mine, to blend mine with theirs.

When I was young, my mother would tell me to be happy all I needed was a man. She prepared me as a young girl with comments like this and she continues to this day. She said this to my neighbors wife when they were thinking of divorce. She did not in any way understand how any woman would leave a man who had a good job, came home at night and was a good father to their children. My father on the other hand seemed absolutely miserable during the time I knew him...he seemed trapped, unable to express himself, almost demoralized. The light seemed to have "gone out" in him. Was this due to marriage, was something else the issue or was it just marriage to my mother. He and I seemed to have a secretive relationship in regards to my mother...we seemed to understand each other in a way we could not explain, he understood my challenges with my mother like no one else could. Did this have an effect on me? Undoubtably so. I remember being in the vestibule prior to walking down the aisle (25 years ago) and all I wanted to do was run. I was hyperventilating. I actually got up enough nerve to tell my father that "I don't think I can do this"....all he said, with a gentle smile on his face was, "then let's go"....and he meant it, he truly did. I recall everything that ran through my mind at that time....

1. My parents have spent over $10,000 on this wedding
2. All of my friends and family are in the church and what will they think
3. I can't do this to my mom
4. But everyone thinks he's fantastic

I walked down the aisle that day, knowing full well that it wasn't the right thing to do. I shudder at the thought of such a major decision being made in a few short seconds. I say that because I don't really recall spending anytime thinking about my future with this man...what would it entail, would I be happy, was this something I truly felt...that I truly wanted...or was I doing what was expected of me, so that I wouldn't disappoint anyone especially my mother.

So now it's 25 years later. I've been divorced for almost 17 years. I still am alone. I felt alone when I was married, so desperately alone; I felt alone as a child; I feel alone now. You know that family is important, it is to all of us, but it really doesn't make up for that intimacy that we are all (I presume) looking for. Why do we want it, why is it necessary to have someone "want" us in their life. Most importantly why does it make us feel better about ourselves when they do.

I've gone 7 years without a man in my life, a man on a daily basis, a man to depend on, a man to comfort me and yet, I've survived. I continue to search, some days more than others, some years more than others. The only conclusion that I've come to is that I must depend on myself...financially, emotionally and spiritually. My friends have lives of their own, my daughter has the adventure of her life just beginning. I on the other hand feel stagnant.

Today I'm feeling stagnant, lonely and disillusioned with romance and yet I intend on being optimistic. The one thing I am certain of is that it's time for me to be serious about my wants and desires in this area of my life. I have not done so in the past, I've faked it, but never truly been serious. I've looked to an attractive man, someone others would judge me on. I've looked to an intelligent man who could keep my brain occupied, without being physically attracted to them at all. I've looked to the funny man, the one who could make me laugh, but they weren't serious enough for me. Who will I look to now? What am I actually looking for? Can my heart and sanity take the continued search? I don't know, but I intend to find out!

I'll close this post with a mantra, a mantra I will adopt from this day forward, I want love in my life, I deserve it, I am ready for it, I will search for it, I will devote time to it and I will not settle for anything less.

Let's talk about Match.com

I swear I have two different friends who've met the love of their lives on Match.com....frankly, that fact is a constant irritant to me. Yes, I've signed up (three different times actually) and lasted all of 30 days each time. Here's where my relationship or lack there of with MDC starts...

I take on a fabulous new job at the Hotel Adagio...blah, blah, blah. First thing out of my new General Manager's mouth (well, not really but it sounds good), you're single right? Did you know that the last Director of Sales & Marketing found her love on MDC and moved to Hawaii?. (insert roll of eyes) I smiled politely and thought Oh God, I hope I don't have to sit where she did...then I thought, Oh God, I hope I do! I mean really, maybe I'd get lucky right?

How to write a profile well...who knows, I sure don't. Maybe what I describe and ask for in mine doesn't translate well. Or maybe the people who actual see my photo and aren't horrified don't bother to read what I spent days writing and re-writing and pondering over every detail. Let me be clear....if I say I'm looking for someone who's between 40 and 50 with all of their teeth, then dammit I mean it. What's the deal with all of the 55 - 60 year old men winking and emailing saying "we have so much in common"....ugh! First off, I'm 46....feel 36 and on a good day look the same. Why would I want to go out with someone who doesn't know who The Cure is. Didn't dance til the wee hours of the morning at DNA Lounge or the Holy Cow or has more in common with my Aunt Yvonne than me! Secondly, I don't hike....(I walk) not that I won't but I don't want to! That goes for hunting, scuba diving, mountain climbing and meditation. Hey if you love it, great...but why are you contacting me? Did you not take a half of a second to actually read what I wrote? I think not. I love the emails that are filled with poor vocabulary, bad grammer and spelling errors!! Oh ya baby, I'll be all over you. I can't type fast enough to get in touch with you, especially since you live in Roanoke, VA!! As I mentioned in my profile I'm picky.