A Weekend Without

Well, here it is, Sunday night, 9:45pm and I'm still without "a love" in my life. I say, "a love" because I have much love coming to me in all forms except one. My daughter came home this evening, having been gone for a month, tons of love there. I had dinner at a longtime friend's (ex fiance' actually) this evening and spent the entire evening wondering "what in the world was I thinking" meaning, what a fantastic man, he loved me (still does) but definitely not a match for me. I have spent hours on the phone with one friend or another over this weekend...lots of love there! But the remaining part of the weekend I spent working...which seems to be the theme lately. I've devoted too much time to work and not enough to my personal life...

The last week I've spent thinking about love in all of it's forms...but especially the one that I am searching for. I honestly feel like I have settled on numerous occasions in my life because I so desperately wanted someone in my life. How strange is that for me to say...I find myself to be a very independent person, someone who others look up to and yet here I am looking for someone else. Am I happy the majority of time being alone? YES! Are there days when I wish beyond all that I could be coming home to someone who cares about me beyond themselves...YES! Am I in a melancholy mood? YES! Does this happen on occasion? YES?

Anyway, having been on two dates in the last two weeks has definitely got me thinking. What am I really looking for in a man. I mean really, have I spent any time at all pondering this or have I just went with my "gut", my intuition, my needs. Does any woman really know? Am I at 46 prepared to "share" my life with someone else? Or am I truly so set in my ways that it would be an impossibility to make such a request of someone....to follow my path, to blend their life with mine, to blend mine with theirs.

When I was young, my mother would tell me to be happy all I needed was a man. She prepared me as a young girl with comments like this and she continues to this day. She said this to my neighbors wife when they were thinking of divorce. She did not in any way understand how any woman would leave a man who had a good job, came home at night and was a good father to their children. My father on the other hand seemed absolutely miserable during the time I knew him...he seemed trapped, unable to express himself, almost demoralized. The light seemed to have "gone out" in him. Was this due to marriage, was something else the issue or was it just marriage to my mother. He and I seemed to have a secretive relationship in regards to my mother...we seemed to understand each other in a way we could not explain, he understood my challenges with my mother like no one else could. Did this have an effect on me? Undoubtably so. I remember being in the vestibule prior to walking down the aisle (25 years ago) and all I wanted to do was run. I was hyperventilating. I actually got up enough nerve to tell my father that "I don't think I can do this"....all he said, with a gentle smile on his face was, "then let's go"....and he meant it, he truly did. I recall everything that ran through my mind at that time....

1. My parents have spent over $10,000 on this wedding
2. All of my friends and family are in the church and what will they think
3. I can't do this to my mom
4. But everyone thinks he's fantastic

I walked down the aisle that day, knowing full well that it wasn't the right thing to do. I shudder at the thought of such a major decision being made in a few short seconds. I say that because I don't really recall spending anytime thinking about my future with this man...what would it entail, would I be happy, was this something I truly felt...that I truly wanted...or was I doing what was expected of me, so that I wouldn't disappoint anyone especially my mother.

So now it's 25 years later. I've been divorced for almost 17 years. I still am alone. I felt alone when I was married, so desperately alone; I felt alone as a child; I feel alone now. You know that family is important, it is to all of us, but it really doesn't make up for that intimacy that we are all (I presume) looking for. Why do we want it, why is it necessary to have someone "want" us in their life. Most importantly why does it make us feel better about ourselves when they do.

I've gone 7 years without a man in my life, a man on a daily basis, a man to depend on, a man to comfort me and yet, I've survived. I continue to search, some days more than others, some years more than others. The only conclusion that I've come to is that I must depend on myself...financially, emotionally and spiritually. My friends have lives of their own, my daughter has the adventure of her life just beginning. I on the other hand feel stagnant.

Today I'm feeling stagnant, lonely and disillusioned with romance and yet I intend on being optimistic. The one thing I am certain of is that it's time for me to be serious about my wants and desires in this area of my life. I have not done so in the past, I've faked it, but never truly been serious. I've looked to an attractive man, someone others would judge me on. I've looked to an intelligent man who could keep my brain occupied, without being physically attracted to them at all. I've looked to the funny man, the one who could make me laugh, but they weren't serious enough for me. Who will I look to now? What am I actually looking for? Can my heart and sanity take the continued search? I don't know, but I intend to find out!

I'll close this post with a mantra, a mantra I will adopt from this day forward, I want love in my life, I deserve it, I am ready for it, I will search for it, I will devote time to it and I will not settle for anything less.