What's Goin' On

I was thinking today about Marvin Gaye and his song, "What's going on?" ...something is definitely in the air, the moon is full, people are acting differently but basically, something is just plain going on, just like the song states. Why? Well in the last two weeks, three different men from my past have come out of their caves and contacted me. One a fiance', the other a longtime friend who's always wanted more and finally, just today, a long lost boyfriend who's now living in Spain. This got me thinking; why are these men contacting me now?

I spent the last two nights with friends; dinner, drinks and major life conversations...let me just say I needed this time with my friends and they needed me. It seems that everyone is going through a change, maybe it's Springtime, maybe it's that we're unhappy with our lives and are finally taking the time to evaluate our true desires...maybe it's nothing more than maturity raising it's ugly/pretty head. I don't know, but there is a "weight" hanging over all of us and we are all focused on trying to figure out "What's goin' on".

I asked the question tonight, "why now, why the last two weeks, why today" are these men contacting me? The male point of view is, "they have no love in their life currently and they're reminiscing about you, fondly" (meaning me); what a nice thought, right? The female perspective is, "they want to get laid"....That made me laugh, it made all of us laugh. Are we women so jaded that the first thought is always something so negative? These men couldn't possibly be thinking "nice" thoughts and truly just want to reconnect? Let me say this, there was definitely wine in our midst....isn't there always when this type of conversation takes place?!


Anyway, it made me think about all of the different types of men I've been involved with over the years....casually, seriously and for friendship only. It's surprising really when you actually take a step back and really look at those people who have come in and out of your life.. A light shines on your life, highlighting the different stages, growth spurts, what you were thinking, feeling, etc. It's shocking really....describing these men to my friends. They were and are all so extremely different. Some tall, some short, some smart, some not, some funny, some serious...all from different ethnic backgrounds, some from countries that I had to learn how to pronounce! Few were local, most seemed to be from a city at minimum 1000 miles away....hence many a long distance relationship. It made me consider the fact that maybe I had never truly been prepared to commit fully to a man. Thus my choices....one happened to live in Sydney, Australia, another in Chicago, many in New York (I love New Yorkers!) another in New Orleans and lastly one in Key West, FL. I seemed to pick those men who were the furthest away from me....making it almost impossible to sustain a relationship. This was eye opening!

As I mentioned in my last post or at least I think it was my last post.....I've had men who I've spent time with but I've always known (in the back of my mind) that it would go nowhere. This allowed me to move forward unscathed in love...my heart not (completely) broken...theirs on the other hand, well, theirs may have received a few stab wounds! Looking back, it was self preservation, a way to not be alone and a way to maintain my daily life with my daughter without any "major" interruptions.

Aha! That's the key....I think I've uncovered the secret I kept even from myself. I would not pursue anything til the end with a man I was involved with, because I was concerned about my beautiful daughter. Oh, I'm not saying I didn't try to fake myself out and have a "boyfriend", that I didn't introduce her to any men and/or have them get involved in her life somewhat. But what I'm saying is that in the 17 years I've been single, she's met 3 men. All of which she immediately "pooh poohed" and I immediately stabbed in the heart!

So now we come to this year, this month, this day. In 9 days, my baby is turning 21! Eeeck! Yes, 21...maybe that's why I've started to concentrate more on my personal life, or better said, my love life. It's time. I know it. It's important and I'm ready. Am I getting my life back, no I don't think so. Am I moving into a new chapter of my life, yes, most definitely! Am I looking forward to it, duh! Am I scared.....absofuckinglutely!