New York is Delicious!

Yes, you heard me right! It's delicious, just like the big red apple that is their promotional centerpiece! I'm here, I'm back (god only knows how many times I've been) and I'm loving it. I'm here for business, but my absolute best friend in the world lives here, as well as a couple of "good buddies", so that makes me extremely happy! That being said, the icing on the cake is that if you like man candy, this is the place to be. What an assortment; I just landed a few hours ago and I've seen just about every ethnic background of them that there is. Tall men, short men, cute boys, handsome men, unattractive men, men with gold chains, white socks and sneakers even. God....you'd think that's all I have on my mind wouldn't you.

Well in some sense, men are on my mind, and have been for a couple of months. I ride the wave, in and out, dating and not, but always come back to wanting an attachment with one in this life and appreciating these men of the world in some way or another. My favorite authors, mostly men, my favorite artists, mostly men, my favorite lovers, well........come on people, don't get crazy!

My problem lies in what kind of man is a good, solid match for me. You heard me right, I didn't say "perfect" because I have figured one thing out in the 46 years I've been in this crazy world...there is no such thing as a perfect match for me or anyone else. Why do I say this, well, I've tried them all; All American "white" guy, fireman....he was great for a while, but he couldn't relate to my ethnic side so that didn't last, (plus he couldn't dance at all). Middle Eastern man from Azerbijian...that was a huge mistake...he faked it for a while and then once he "hooked" me...well, he became a Middle Eastern man. Let's see now, prior to him there was my "ex-boyfriend" who now lives in Spain that I spoke of in a prior post. He was from Sri Lanka, and had the most beautiful eyelashes....he also was so condescending to waitstaff that it drove me insane. I dated another man who in actuality is my male twin; he lived in Australia and for some reason we both thought that it could work! He was deep thinking, crazy fun, sarcastic like no other, brilliant and he had the most kissable lips. We still communicate after 15 years! Imagine that! The problem? Well, hello... he lived in Sydney...

I mentioned my best friend who lives in NY earlier and there is a reason for that. She has insight into my soul that I will never be able to have. This started when I met her and lived in Key West. Yes I was single, hadn't had a boyfriend in a year or so and low and behold, I meet a man around the same time I meet this woman of depth, insight, intelligence and anger! Ya, she seemed pretty pissed off about something, but I never new what and frankly it didn't matter. I loved the conversations we had, she was so well read, ...that was intriguing in itself. The problem is...this woman won't give me any slack! Never has and never will. That's a good thing I think. She makes me think about my choices and boy is she right.

Example: Boat Boy....Craig. He was so cute, tall, built like a swimmer, sweet as a kiss of chocolate and loved the water. He dove the Atocha for Emeralds...he loved history (one of my favorite subjects). The problem....well Ms. Daly would say, "he makes stupid choices, he's ridiculous at times and he has no common sense", and she was right. Why do I waste two years of my life with men that my friend can so easily see are incompatible with me? Jeez, I don't know, but I do know that Ms. Daly is my woman, she can see past my quick bits of lust, my infatuation with a part of a man and has no problem telling me I'm wasting my time. God I wish she lived in San Francisco....she'd save me a lot of leg work!!

I haven't seen my friend, my compadre, my "insight" into my soul in a number of months....but I'm here now! I'll have my Ms. Daly time and feel so much better for it. Will she find me a match, no I don't think so. In fact, she's never even "fixed" me up on a date! However, she'll listen to me, help me to clear my head and send me home with a new found excitement about the search!

I love you Meegan!!

Sadness

Tonight I'm sad...horribly sad and a bit shaken.

I'm feeling this way because I realized how important authors have been in my life and the impact they've had. Two of my favorite's have died this week.

I discovered one, Kurt Vonnegut long ago when I was 12 years old....I'll never forget reading and re-reading Slauterhouse Five...I was absolutely fascinated and have continued my infatuation with him since. Unable to understand him completely, trying desperately to find the focus and when doing so, completely surrendering to it. The other died this morning, David Halberstam, who I found in the 70's when I was researching a paper on the Vietnam War and awaiting news about my brother being "called" to service. This war, had impact on those of us in our mid 40's more so than we realize.

Both have played a major role in my life, I've had many a discussion based on what I read in their respective books.

I'll miss them both terribly...

What Else Could Happen???

This week that is...

Talk about busy! I don't know what's gotten into me or my life, but as I mentioned in my last post, "What's Goin' On?", people came out of the woodwork; My social life has exploded and I've somehow found myself moving back to San Francisco!

First, let's talk the dating scene. As you all know, I've been signed up on Match.com for about two months now. The longest I've ever been signed on; which is shocking to me really...however, I've decided to close my profile down. That's right, I'm ending my relationship with this online dating hell hole. Frankly, I'm just not into it. I've met one person for a date (two dates with him actually) and really enjoyed myself but it ended up going nowhere; I'm hoping it was timing and not something I did, but God only knows. Anyway, besides the men in their 60's who kept contacting me, the men who were 5'6" and under and the guys who couldn't spell to save their lives, I thought I might just do better on my own (with a little help from my friends).

So one of "those" people who came out of their cave was Jan...the "old" boyfriend. He flew in from Spain and wanted to catch up. He looked good and I mean good. We went to Bacar (one of my favorite places) and then we proceeded to act like we were EuroTrash! Starting the night at 9pm for dinner makes you feel like you're in Europe anyway. We rehashed the last 13 years without each other and then he said "let's do it like I do in Barcelona" (with his adorable accent) and he meant "make an evening" of it. Dinner at Bacar, drinks and dancing at Levende Lounge, Martini's at Vessel, live music at some great after hours place that had no name, champagne and dessert at 5am in the Penthouse Suite, God what was I thinking! Well, I was thinking I wanted to let loose and have some fun...and I did! Why is it that some great guy comes out of nowhere when you least expect it; just to take your mind off things! Thank you Jan! Now, let me be clear, I know that Thursday night was great and that it will go nowhere, however it sure did make me feel better about life and that's exactly what I needed. I also needed about 2 full days to recover from sleep deprivation not to mention the alcohol!

So what else has been happening? Well, dinner with friends, drinks with others, Latin concerts, found a new biography on Abraham Lincoln, signed up for Salsa Lessons, BBQ with my comadre's for Easter; I've even slipped in a conversation or two with a prospective date (yes, you can find them even without Match.com) and you can communicate on the telephone, just like in the old days (imagine that). I was also asked out again for a second date (for the second time) and finally accepted. But the most exciting thing is I'm heading back to the "city" where I belong.

Yes, you heard me, for some reason, I took a moment and looked at a new loft on Potrero Hill and they actually offered me a lease! I am freaking out! First off, it's fabulous, secondly I'll be back in San Francisco but most importantly the place just plain fits me! I have two weeks to pack before I leave on a two week business trip and then return for one night before I move in! Aren't taxes due too? Nothin' like making my life crazy! I seem to do this on occasion, but I love it!

Am I purposefully over scheduling my life, maybe...I just realized it's all about attitude. Instead of worrying, stressing, crying and thinking the worst, I've decided to not let the little things get me down in life. I've seen first hand over the last two weeks, true hardships that others are experiencing; health issues, financial issues, insecurities in my daughter, etc. and I've decided that my little dating challenges are squat in comparison! What's that mean? Well, it means I'm not turning down opportunities to spend time with old friends, new friends, work associates and most importantly potential love interests!! Screw Match.com...I just need to look around at all of the fabulous people I know and take advantage of everyone I meet on a daily basis! So far my plan is working perfectly 'cause one of my favorite people is coming into town this weekend to spend a little time with LadyLD...!!

Dating Angst????? Fahgettaboutit!!

What's Goin' On

I was thinking today about Marvin Gaye and his song, "What's going on?" ...something is definitely in the air, the moon is full, people are acting differently but basically, something is just plain going on, just like the song states. Why? Well in the last two weeks, three different men from my past have come out of their caves and contacted me. One a fiance', the other a longtime friend who's always wanted more and finally, just today, a long lost boyfriend who's now living in Spain. This got me thinking; why are these men contacting me now?

I spent the last two nights with friends; dinner, drinks and major life conversations...let me just say I needed this time with my friends and they needed me. It seems that everyone is going through a change, maybe it's Springtime, maybe it's that we're unhappy with our lives and are finally taking the time to evaluate our true desires...maybe it's nothing more than maturity raising it's ugly/pretty head. I don't know, but there is a "weight" hanging over all of us and we are all focused on trying to figure out "What's goin' on".

I asked the question tonight, "why now, why the last two weeks, why today" are these men contacting me? The male point of view is, "they have no love in their life currently and they're reminiscing about you, fondly" (meaning me); what a nice thought, right? The female perspective is, "they want to get laid"....That made me laugh, it made all of us laugh. Are we women so jaded that the first thought is always something so negative? These men couldn't possibly be thinking "nice" thoughts and truly just want to reconnect? Let me say this, there was definitely wine in our midst....isn't there always when this type of conversation takes place?!


Anyway, it made me think about all of the different types of men I've been involved with over the years....casually, seriously and for friendship only. It's surprising really when you actually take a step back and really look at those people who have come in and out of your life.. A light shines on your life, highlighting the different stages, growth spurts, what you were thinking, feeling, etc. It's shocking really....describing these men to my friends. They were and are all so extremely different. Some tall, some short, some smart, some not, some funny, some serious...all from different ethnic backgrounds, some from countries that I had to learn how to pronounce! Few were local, most seemed to be from a city at minimum 1000 miles away....hence many a long distance relationship. It made me consider the fact that maybe I had never truly been prepared to commit fully to a man. Thus my choices....one happened to live in Sydney, Australia, another in Chicago, many in New York (I love New Yorkers!) another in New Orleans and lastly one in Key West, FL. I seemed to pick those men who were the furthest away from me....making it almost impossible to sustain a relationship. This was eye opening!

As I mentioned in my last post or at least I think it was my last post.....I've had men who I've spent time with but I've always known (in the back of my mind) that it would go nowhere. This allowed me to move forward unscathed in love...my heart not (completely) broken...theirs on the other hand, well, theirs may have received a few stab wounds! Looking back, it was self preservation, a way to not be alone and a way to maintain my daily life with my daughter without any "major" interruptions.

Aha! That's the key....I think I've uncovered the secret I kept even from myself. I would not pursue anything til the end with a man I was involved with, because I was concerned about my beautiful daughter. Oh, I'm not saying I didn't try to fake myself out and have a "boyfriend", that I didn't introduce her to any men and/or have them get involved in her life somewhat. But what I'm saying is that in the 17 years I've been single, she's met 3 men. All of which she immediately "pooh poohed" and I immediately stabbed in the heart!

So now we come to this year, this month, this day. In 9 days, my baby is turning 21! Eeeck! Yes, 21...maybe that's why I've started to concentrate more on my personal life, or better said, my love life. It's time. I know it. It's important and I'm ready. Am I getting my life back, no I don't think so. Am I moving into a new chapter of my life, yes, most definitely! Am I looking forward to it, duh! Am I scared.....absofuckinglutely!