Yes, that's right, I'm confused or at least the last 48 hours of my life I've been confused. These last couple of days have really been hard on me...not a great emotional time for this 46 year old woman. Why, well there are a number of reasons, but mainly it's because I still don't understand a thing about men, about dating; I second guess myself, my opinion of some of the men I've been seeing and at last count, the advise I'm giving to my daughter on her tribulations with her boyfriend.......remember how you felt in High School? Bingo!
Why you ask? Well it's because I've figured out that I don't date well. Dating is hard, at least for me. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's easy in some sense and can add fodder to your blog or your conversations with friends when that first date doesn't go well. But once you get past the first date and you've developed an interest, well that's when it all goes haywire. For me it seems that dating more than one person at a time doesn't work...I can't start to develop communication, attraction, or anything else with one person and then "grab a bite" with someone else. It seems my interest stays with one person at a time. The problem with this is that if and/or when the person you're concentrating on goes south, where does it leave you? You've passed on other opportunities, said, "thank you but I'm pursuing something elsewhere" and then, nothing. You're back to ground zero and may have lost a great chance at someone who was really, honestly interested in you.
This relates to my last post in a couple of ways...maybe I shouldn't date, I'm happy, successful, have great friends, etc. Do I need to add angst, insecurity or sadness to my day. I've been quite happy over the last 7 years. Yes I've dated, but I've always had in the back of my mind that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything with any of the men I was seeing; so no emotional turmoil. I've had male friends who've been there for the male perspective on life, the occasional romantic evening, etc. I was good, I was level headed, I was happy. So why would I suddenly decide, "It's time for love in my life"? I know I want love, desire someones company and that I deserve it. It just seems that with my first foray into the search, I haven't found what I expected. I had forgotten that people don't always go at the same pace as you. That they don't always follow through with what they say and especially that this can disappoint you.
So where does that leave me? According to one of my male friends, I should go back to not dating for love but date for sex....with him specifically...lol. Joking aside, he repeatedly said, don't give up, "some of us are looking for the same thing you are"....I just need to find those men. Okay, great I said with my happy voice, please tell me how to do that? How do I know those men from the others? How do I tell when someone is being sincere? When they are truly interested? I swear I thought I had that one down....but apparently my "sincerity" meter has gone array. I obviously need a repair man! Someone get me the Yellow Pages quick!
One last thought....maybe it's music's fault. Maybe it's my choice in music these days. Maybe I should stop listening to Al Green, Chaka Khan and Michael Franks! I know I should definitely stop paying attention to the words. Hmmmm...didn't Al Greens wife throw hot grits on his face after finding out that he was fooling around.........
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
A Weekend Without
Well, here it is, Sunday night, 9:45pm and I'm still without "a love" in my life. I say, "a love" because I have much love coming to me in all forms except one. My daughter came home this evening, having been gone for a month, tons of love there. I had dinner at a longtime friend's (ex fiance' actually) this evening and spent the entire evening wondering "what in the world was I thinking" meaning, what a fantastic man, he loved me (still does) but definitely not a match for me. I have spent hours on the phone with one friend or another over this weekend...lots of love there! But the remaining part of the weekend I spent working...which seems to be the theme lately. I've devoted too much time to work and not enough to my personal life...
The last week I've spent thinking about love in all of it's forms...but especially the one that I am searching for. I honestly feel like I have settled on numerous occasions in my life because I so desperately wanted someone in my life. How strange is that for me to say...I find myself to be a very independent person, someone who others look up to and yet here I am looking for someone else. Am I happy the majority of time being alone? YES! Are there days when I wish beyond all that I could be coming home to someone who cares about me beyond themselves...YES! Am I in a melancholy mood? YES! Does this happen on occasion? YES?
Anyway, having been on two dates in the last two weeks has definitely got me thinking. What am I really looking for in a man. I mean really, have I spent any time at all pondering this or have I just went with my "gut", my intuition, my needs. Does any woman really know? Am I at 46 prepared to "share" my life with someone else? Or am I truly so set in my ways that it would be an impossibility to make such a request of someone....to follow my path, to blend their life with mine, to blend mine with theirs.
When I was young, my mother would tell me to be happy all I needed was a man. She prepared me as a young girl with comments like this and she continues to this day. She said this to my neighbors wife when they were thinking of divorce. She did not in any way understand how any woman would leave a man who had a good job, came home at night and was a good father to their children. My father on the other hand seemed absolutely miserable during the time I knew him...he seemed trapped, unable to express himself, almost demoralized. The light seemed to have "gone out" in him. Was this due to marriage, was something else the issue or was it just marriage to my mother. He and I seemed to have a secretive relationship in regards to my mother...we seemed to understand each other in a way we could not explain, he understood my challenges with my mother like no one else could. Did this have an effect on me? Undoubtably so. I remember being in the vestibule prior to walking down the aisle (25 years ago) and all I wanted to do was run. I was hyperventilating. I actually got up enough nerve to tell my father that "I don't think I can do this"....all he said, with a gentle smile on his face was, "then let's go"....and he meant it, he truly did. I recall everything that ran through my mind at that time....
1. My parents have spent over $10,000 on this wedding
2. All of my friends and family are in the church and what will they think
3. I can't do this to my mom
4. But everyone thinks he's fantastic
I walked down the aisle that day, knowing full well that it wasn't the right thing to do. I shudder at the thought of such a major decision being made in a few short seconds. I say that because I don't really recall spending anytime thinking about my future with this man...what would it entail, would I be happy, was this something I truly felt...that I truly wanted...or was I doing what was expected of me, so that I wouldn't disappoint anyone especially my mother.
So now it's 25 years later. I've been divorced for almost 17 years. I still am alone. I felt alone when I was married, so desperately alone; I felt alone as a child; I feel alone now. You know that family is important, it is to all of us, but it really doesn't make up for that intimacy that we are all (I presume) looking for. Why do we want it, why is it necessary to have someone "want" us in their life. Most importantly why does it make us feel better about ourselves when they do.
I've gone 7 years without a man in my life, a man on a daily basis, a man to depend on, a man to comfort me and yet, I've survived. I continue to search, some days more than others, some years more than others. The only conclusion that I've come to is that I must depend on myself...financially, emotionally and spiritually. My friends have lives of their own, my daughter has the adventure of her life just beginning. I on the other hand feel stagnant.
Today I'm feeling stagnant, lonely and disillusioned with romance and yet I intend on being optimistic. The one thing I am certain of is that it's time for me to be serious about my wants and desires in this area of my life. I have not done so in the past, I've faked it, but never truly been serious. I've looked to an attractive man, someone others would judge me on. I've looked to an intelligent man who could keep my brain occupied, without being physically attracted to them at all. I've looked to the funny man, the one who could make me laugh, but they weren't serious enough for me. Who will I look to now? What am I actually looking for? Can my heart and sanity take the continued search? I don't know, but I intend to find out!
I'll close this post with a mantra, a mantra I will adopt from this day forward, I want love in my life, I deserve it, I am ready for it, I will search for it, I will devote time to it and I will not settle for anything less.
The last week I've spent thinking about love in all of it's forms...but especially the one that I am searching for. I honestly feel like I have settled on numerous occasions in my life because I so desperately wanted someone in my life. How strange is that for me to say...I find myself to be a very independent person, someone who others look up to and yet here I am looking for someone else. Am I happy the majority of time being alone? YES! Are there days when I wish beyond all that I could be coming home to someone who cares about me beyond themselves...YES! Am I in a melancholy mood? YES! Does this happen on occasion? YES?
Anyway, having been on two dates in the last two weeks has definitely got me thinking. What am I really looking for in a man. I mean really, have I spent any time at all pondering this or have I just went with my "gut", my intuition, my needs. Does any woman really know? Am I at 46 prepared to "share" my life with someone else? Or am I truly so set in my ways that it would be an impossibility to make such a request of someone....to follow my path, to blend their life with mine, to blend mine with theirs.
When I was young, my mother would tell me to be happy all I needed was a man. She prepared me as a young girl with comments like this and she continues to this day. She said this to my neighbors wife when they were thinking of divorce. She did not in any way understand how any woman would leave a man who had a good job, came home at night and was a good father to their children. My father on the other hand seemed absolutely miserable during the time I knew him...he seemed trapped, unable to express himself, almost demoralized. The light seemed to have "gone out" in him. Was this due to marriage, was something else the issue or was it just marriage to my mother. He and I seemed to have a secretive relationship in regards to my mother...we seemed to understand each other in a way we could not explain, he understood my challenges with my mother like no one else could. Did this have an effect on me? Undoubtably so. I remember being in the vestibule prior to walking down the aisle (25 years ago) and all I wanted to do was run. I was hyperventilating. I actually got up enough nerve to tell my father that "I don't think I can do this"....all he said, with a gentle smile on his face was, "then let's go"....and he meant it, he truly did. I recall everything that ran through my mind at that time....
1. My parents have spent over $10,000 on this wedding
2. All of my friends and family are in the church and what will they think
3. I can't do this to my mom
4. But everyone thinks he's fantastic
I walked down the aisle that day, knowing full well that it wasn't the right thing to do. I shudder at the thought of such a major decision being made in a few short seconds. I say that because I don't really recall spending anytime thinking about my future with this man...what would it entail, would I be happy, was this something I truly felt...that I truly wanted...or was I doing what was expected of me, so that I wouldn't disappoint anyone especially my mother.
So now it's 25 years later. I've been divorced for almost 17 years. I still am alone. I felt alone when I was married, so desperately alone; I felt alone as a child; I feel alone now. You know that family is important, it is to all of us, but it really doesn't make up for that intimacy that we are all (I presume) looking for. Why do we want it, why is it necessary to have someone "want" us in their life. Most importantly why does it make us feel better about ourselves when they do.
I've gone 7 years without a man in my life, a man on a daily basis, a man to depend on, a man to comfort me and yet, I've survived. I continue to search, some days more than others, some years more than others. The only conclusion that I've come to is that I must depend on myself...financially, emotionally and spiritually. My friends have lives of their own, my daughter has the adventure of her life just beginning. I on the other hand feel stagnant.
Today I'm feeling stagnant, lonely and disillusioned with romance and yet I intend on being optimistic. The one thing I am certain of is that it's time for me to be serious about my wants and desires in this area of my life. I have not done so in the past, I've faked it, but never truly been serious. I've looked to an attractive man, someone others would judge me on. I've looked to an intelligent man who could keep my brain occupied, without being physically attracted to them at all. I've looked to the funny man, the one who could make me laugh, but they weren't serious enough for me. Who will I look to now? What am I actually looking for? Can my heart and sanity take the continued search? I don't know, but I intend to find out!
I'll close this post with a mantra, a mantra I will adopt from this day forward, I want love in my life, I deserve it, I am ready for it, I will search for it, I will devote time to it and I will not settle for anything less.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
The 2nd Date
If you recall from my last post, I mentioned having recently experienced what could only be called an "unusual" first date. Yes, someone I met online. We proceeded to get to know each other via email and instant messaging (romantic right). Then came date numero uno....it wasn't fabulous....it wasn't bad, but definitely not fantastic. We met at Chaya (my fav). What happened? Absolutely nothing happened to say eeeck gad, horrible date, He was pleasant, I was pleasant but we were starting from ground zero which threw us both for a loop. Neither one of us could figure out why we had such a connection online and zippo in person! I was definitely a little sad on the way home....but the troopers that we are decided we'd give it another shot!
Date Numero Dos: Wow.... fabulous...amazing (insert your own positive adjective) it was well, one of the best dates I've ever had. Knowing my friends who read this, I'm certain you are all highly anticipating the details....but you're not getting them here!! That's right, I ain't saying a word in this post, are you kidding me! I, if nothing else am not an idiot!!! It would be better to talk about the other billion or so 1st dates I've had. None are more memorable than the bad ones....and I've had plenty of those. The following is true, exaggeration will not be necessary...not a slight chance I'll need to!
Bad Date Number 1: His name escapes me....but it was probably Bill, Jim or some other similar type name....frankly, I blanked it out of my memory. I'll just call him Tom....Tom was an architect, a friend of a friend, new to town, solid specimen of a man...or so my "friend" told me. "Great sense of humor, absolutely beautiful green eyes, you're gonna love him" she said. We exchanged numbers through my friend Laura...her name I'll never forget (by the way we don't speak any more) so I'm calling her out....yes that's right her name was Laura and she knows what she did! Tom called, he seemed pleasant enough...we decide to go for a beer at the Irish Bank (no better place for a Guinness). I arrive first or so I thought. I wait for 15 minutes while I notice a guy looking my way throughout that time but not making a move...he's too busy talking to another woman at the bar. She leaves giving him a strange look...he walks towards me (first bad sign). What am I sloppy seconds...jeez. He looks fine enough from afar, however once he approaches and sits down...those beautiful green eyes are looking right at me.....WRONG! One is looking at the ceiling and the other towards his own nose! What's a girl to do in this situation...I mean I had no clue, I smiled, I chatted, I tried to look at him! It was just too confusing! I noticed the scratches in the bar, counted the number of bubbles in the foam on my Guinness...God I was miserable. I felt bad, I,didn't want to be one of those people who wouldn't consider him because of a physical imperfection, but come on now! Why hadn't someone (Laura or him perhaps) mentioned this particular piece of information??? But here's the kicker...as I'm sitting there trying to be as pleasant as possible (not wanting him to say something derogatory to Laura) he mentions that he needs to end the "date" because he has another one coming in in about 10 minutes! "It was a pleasure to have met you though" he says! Are you kidding me! Come on now, who is this guy! Does he do this to make women miserable? To brag to his friends that he had 3 dates in the same night? To make himself feel like a stud? OMG! Now, I am certain and I mean certain that you all have figured out why Laura and I no longer speak!
Date Numero Dos: Wow.... fabulous...amazing (insert your own positive adjective) it was well, one of the best dates I've ever had. Knowing my friends who read this, I'm certain you are all highly anticipating the details....but you're not getting them here!! That's right, I ain't saying a word in this post, are you kidding me! I, if nothing else am not an idiot!!! It would be better to talk about the other billion or so 1st dates I've had. None are more memorable than the bad ones....and I've had plenty of those. The following is true, exaggeration will not be necessary...not a slight chance I'll need to!
Bad Date Number 1: His name escapes me....but it was probably Bill, Jim or some other similar type name....frankly, I blanked it out of my memory. I'll just call him Tom....Tom was an architect, a friend of a friend, new to town, solid specimen of a man...or so my "friend" told me. "Great sense of humor, absolutely beautiful green eyes, you're gonna love him" she said. We exchanged numbers through my friend Laura...her name I'll never forget (by the way we don't speak any more) so I'm calling her out....yes that's right her name was Laura and she knows what she did! Tom called, he seemed pleasant enough...we decide to go for a beer at the Irish Bank (no better place for a Guinness). I arrive first or so I thought. I wait for 15 minutes while I notice a guy looking my way throughout that time but not making a move...he's too busy talking to another woman at the bar. She leaves giving him a strange look...he walks towards me (first bad sign). What am I sloppy seconds...jeez. He looks fine enough from afar, however once he approaches and sits down...those beautiful green eyes are looking right at me.....WRONG! One is looking at the ceiling and the other towards his own nose! What's a girl to do in this situation...I mean I had no clue, I smiled, I chatted, I tried to look at him! It was just too confusing! I noticed the scratches in the bar, counted the number of bubbles in the foam on my Guinness...God I was miserable. I felt bad, I,didn't want to be one of those people who wouldn't consider him because of a physical imperfection, but come on now! Why hadn't someone (Laura or him perhaps) mentioned this particular piece of information??? But here's the kicker...as I'm sitting there trying to be as pleasant as possible (not wanting him to say something derogatory to Laura) he mentions that he needs to end the "date" because he has another one coming in in about 10 minutes! "It was a pleasure to have met you though" he says! Are you kidding me! Come on now, who is this guy! Does he do this to make women miserable? To brag to his friends that he had 3 dates in the same night? To make himself feel like a stud? OMG! Now, I am certain and I mean certain that you all have figured out why Laura and I no longer speak!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
March Madness
It's not all about Basketball! Let's make this clear...this blog is all about dating angst, specifically mine! And let me just say that my current state of angst is currently tied with the competition and I'm driving for the basket! Yes that's right, I used a sports metaphor!
First dates, second dates, online dates....it's really very confusing for this single woman. Having been "light" on the dates over the last few years and concentrating on my daughters boyfriend, my career and my friends love lives, I'm having a bit of a challenge in figuring out what to do.
1. To kiss or not to kiss on the first date?
2. What makes a great first date?
3. Should you see someone again if things didn't go the way you thought they should?
4. What do you wear on the first date anyway?
5. How much information do you share when speaking with someone online or in person?
6. Sex? When?
7. What to tell your friends?
1. Kissing: My gays would say, kiss on the first date....hell go for the sex! Why is it that they seem to just not analyze the whole process at all? For God's Sakes....someone please fill me in on that one. They kiss, they have sex, they don't care if he calls, they call them the next day without freaking out, they see multiple people, they go out numerous nights of the week and still seem to look good at work the next day! Jeez they drive me crazy! But as far as kissing goes...always remember, if he does go for the kiss and proceeds to slobber all over you....you aren't to go there again! Do not and I repeat do not go for a sloppy second date!
2. First Date: What makes a great first date....movie (can't really talk), drinks (alcohol helps), dinner (he always asks you a question when your mouth is full), dessert (no way, you've been holding your stomach in for the last two hours...not possible). What really constitutes a great date? hmmmm....someone please tell me 'cause I haven't been able to figure it out. Over the last 18 years I've had plenty...first dates that is. Some have been great, some I've been embarrassed about and some I've lost friends over (yes that's right, fix me up with a crazy and you're history)!
3. 2nd Date: Nerves, high expectations, chemistry...they all play a role. Listen, it happens to the best of us, but something drew you to them in the first place and when you're dating you have to see the glass half full! I say, go for it...and let me just say this, I say what I mean and mean what I say, 'cause this type of situation just happened to me and I'm going for round 2 tomorrow night! I'll keep you posted as to the outcome.
4. What to wear: Something comfortable, 'cause you'll be holding it in all night! You know you will!
5. How much to tell: For god sakes...don't tell him about crazy Aunt Mary or that funny sore you found on your ex-boyfriend! And especially don't mention the time you were at the Union Street Fair back in the 80's and danced on the bar at Perry's! (Yes, I still have the pictures)
6. Sex: Well.....you know we all have that little secret to keep us from going there to soon...you know the one, DON'T SHAVE YOUR LEGS! But just in case, drop a razor in your bag!
7. Friends: Tell them absolutely everything! You may be glad you did...they may just save you from Bob the guy who kept scratchin' himself under the table during dinner!!
First dates, second dates, online dates....it's really very confusing for this single woman. Having been "light" on the dates over the last few years and concentrating on my daughters boyfriend, my career and my friends love lives, I'm having a bit of a challenge in figuring out what to do.
1. To kiss or not to kiss on the first date?
2. What makes a great first date?
3. Should you see someone again if things didn't go the way you thought they should?
4. What do you wear on the first date anyway?
5. How much information do you share when speaking with someone online or in person?
6. Sex? When?
7. What to tell your friends?
1. Kissing: My gays would say, kiss on the first date....hell go for the sex! Why is it that they seem to just not analyze the whole process at all? For God's Sakes....someone please fill me in on that one. They kiss, they have sex, they don't care if he calls, they call them the next day without freaking out, they see multiple people, they go out numerous nights of the week and still seem to look good at work the next day! Jeez they drive me crazy! But as far as kissing goes...always remember, if he does go for the kiss and proceeds to slobber all over you....you aren't to go there again! Do not and I repeat do not go for a sloppy second date!
2. First Date: What makes a great first date....movie (can't really talk), drinks (alcohol helps), dinner (he always asks you a question when your mouth is full), dessert (no way, you've been holding your stomach in for the last two hours...not possible). What really constitutes a great date? hmmmm....someone please tell me 'cause I haven't been able to figure it out. Over the last 18 years I've had plenty...first dates that is. Some have been great, some I've been embarrassed about and some I've lost friends over (yes that's right, fix me up with a crazy and you're history)!
3. 2nd Date: Nerves, high expectations, chemistry...they all play a role. Listen, it happens to the best of us, but something drew you to them in the first place and when you're dating you have to see the glass half full! I say, go for it...and let me just say this, I say what I mean and mean what I say, 'cause this type of situation just happened to me and I'm going for round 2 tomorrow night! I'll keep you posted as to the outcome.
4. What to wear: Something comfortable, 'cause you'll be holding it in all night! You know you will!
5. How much to tell: For god sakes...don't tell him about crazy Aunt Mary or that funny sore you found on your ex-boyfriend! And especially don't mention the time you were at the Union Street Fair back in the 80's and danced on the bar at Perry's! (Yes, I still have the pictures)
6. Sex: Well.....you know we all have that little secret to keep us from going there to soon...you know the one, DON'T SHAVE YOUR LEGS! But just in case, drop a razor in your bag!
7. Friends: Tell them absolutely everything! You may be glad you did...they may just save you from Bob the guy who kept scratchin' himself under the table during dinner!!
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Let's talk about Match.com
I swear I have two different friends who've met the love of their lives on Match.com....frankly, that fact is a constant irritant to me. Yes, I've signed up (three different times actually) and lasted all of 30 days each time. Here's where my relationship or lack there of with MDC starts...
I take on a fabulous new job at the Hotel Adagio...blah, blah, blah. First thing out of my new General Manager's mouth (well, not really but it sounds good), you're single right? Did you know that the last Director of Sales & Marketing found her love on MDC and moved to Hawaii?. (insert roll of eyes) I smiled politely and thought Oh God, I hope I don't have to sit where she did...then I thought, Oh God, I hope I do! I mean really, maybe I'd get lucky right?
How to write a profile well...who knows, I sure don't. Maybe what I describe and ask for in mine doesn't translate well. Or maybe the people who actual see my photo and aren't horrified don't bother to read what I spent days writing and re-writing and pondering over every detail. Let me be clear....if I say I'm looking for someone who's between 40 and 50 with all of their teeth, then dammit I mean it. What's the deal with all of the 55 - 60 year old men winking and emailing saying "we have so much in common"....ugh! First off, I'm 46....feel 36 and on a good day look the same. Why would I want to go out with someone who doesn't know who The Cure is. Didn't dance til the wee hours of the morning at DNA Lounge or the Holy Cow or has more in common with my Aunt Yvonne than me! Secondly, I don't hike....(I walk) not that I won't but I don't want to! That goes for hunting, scuba diving, mountain climbing and meditation. Hey if you love it, great...but why are you contacting me? Did you not take a half of a second to actually read what I wrote? I think not. I love the emails that are filled with poor vocabulary, bad grammer and spelling errors!! Oh ya baby, I'll be all over you. I can't type fast enough to get in touch with you, especially since you live in Roanoke, VA!! As I mentioned in my profile I'm picky.
I take on a fabulous new job at the Hotel Adagio...blah, blah, blah. First thing out of my new General Manager's mouth (well, not really but it sounds good), you're single right? Did you know that the last Director of Sales & Marketing found her love on MDC and moved to Hawaii?. (insert roll of eyes) I smiled politely and thought Oh God, I hope I don't have to sit where she did...then I thought, Oh God, I hope I do! I mean really, maybe I'd get lucky right?
How to write a profile well...who knows, I sure don't. Maybe what I describe and ask for in mine doesn't translate well. Or maybe the people who actual see my photo and aren't horrified don't bother to read what I spent days writing and re-writing and pondering over every detail. Let me be clear....if I say I'm looking for someone who's between 40 and 50 with all of their teeth, then dammit I mean it. What's the deal with all of the 55 - 60 year old men winking and emailing saying "we have so much in common"....ugh! First off, I'm 46....feel 36 and on a good day look the same. Why would I want to go out with someone who doesn't know who The Cure is. Didn't dance til the wee hours of the morning at DNA Lounge or the Holy Cow or has more in common with my Aunt Yvonne than me! Secondly, I don't hike....(I walk) not that I won't but I don't want to! That goes for hunting, scuba diving, mountain climbing and meditation. Hey if you love it, great...but why are you contacting me? Did you not take a half of a second to actually read what I wrote? I think not. I love the emails that are filled with poor vocabulary, bad grammer and spelling errors!! Oh ya baby, I'll be all over you. I can't type fast enough to get in touch with you, especially since you live in Roanoke, VA!! As I mentioned in my profile I'm picky.
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